You may have noticed how creak-free the publicity machine for Iron Man has been. It’s irritatingly perfect. Whenever there’s a big football match on, rest assured there’s an Iron Man trailer at half time making you feel like an idiot for not thinking about it all the time, non-stop, now and forever. Indeed, whenever 15 to 40-year-old males are likely to be gathered around the goggle box you can bet your nan’s oxygen mask that Paramount’s promotion team will be there before you, ready to shove that charming devil with his shiny metal suit in your face.

These aren’t ten second TV spots either; these are two minute, loud, brash motherfuckers that show the whole bloody film bar the boring bits. In other words, they’re really good. And probably so expensive that the marketing budget will be hid from prying eyes for the next century for fear of the whole recession-hit world turning against those rich bastards in La La Land. But why, a sensible person might ask, the big spend? There’s been nothing but piss on the cinema for months, so surely the general public are going to leap toward the multiplexes at the first sight of CG. Not so, for as cocky as the suits at Marvel and Paramount might appear to be about their too-cool-for-this-hero-shit mascot, they’re secretly petrified about the unstoppable enemy approaching.

Like most people with a pathetic life and bugger all sense, I’m fairly excited about the Iron Man movie. The idea of a man dressing up in an expensive toy and blowing the crap out of evil foreigners simply appeals to me. But will I be watching it come the all-important first week of release? Will I hell. I’ll be killing people instead. And stealing cars. And selling drugs. Basically, I’m going to be playing the shit out of GTA IV and there’s nothing Iron Man can do to stop me.

Now, when a big game is released, there seems to be shorter queues at the pictures, and Paramount knows it. That’s why there’s been this month-long pre-emptive strike on our TVs. It’s also why Iron Man won’t be the biggest movie of the summer and why the chances of a sequel are going to be seriously affected by something that has sod all to do with it. Not that I care though, after all, I’ll be too busy blowing the bollocks off mobsters to give a shit.

To sum up: someone’s trying to publish an encyclopedia for all things Potter but series author JK Rowling is determined to stop them. She doesn’t believe that anyone should make money off her property without her say so. Fair enough. Kind of.

If – and she may well be – Rowling is successful in her bid to stop the Harry Potter lexicon from being published, you have to wonder what is going to happen to all those unofficial guides and companions that have been so popular with fandom. Will it really be the case that nothing can be written for profit about Potter without JK’s say so? What happens to magazines wanting to feature a complete guide to Hogwarts? Will she even make the reviews copyright protected? And what happens if other authors and creators follow suit? It’s not an appealing situation but the courts could be on the verge of setting a dangerous precedent.

It must be made clear that Rowling is insisting this isn’t about money but about quality control. She has labelled the encyclopedia “sloppy” and “atrocious” and unworthy for publication. Funny, as that hasn’t stopped her recently.

Sick burn.

Get ready for the next sentence. This is the sentence you’ve been waiting for; coming soon: a new sentence about the next paragraph. The next paragraph is set to begin.

What in the name of gamma is going on with this Hulk trailer? This morning I’ve just watched what, without sound, I would have assumed was a teaser for the upcoming film that seemingly has sod all to do with the Ang Lee effort and everything to do with the TV show. Unfortunately the volume was turned on and my ears were suddenly opened to the cacophony of desperate marketing. This was no mere teaser, this was an advert for a trailer. It even had a voiceover man demanding everyone tune in to MTV at a certain time to see the full trailer debut. Fancy the notion that thousands of people are no going to switch on their telly to wait for the adverts. A terrible state of affairs.

It’s almost as if the suits are so aware that a film’s quality has little to do with its success that they’d rather invest their efforts into more exciting marketing campaigns. Why bother making a good 100 minutes when all you need is a great 2? Soon they’ll be getting Spielberg in to compose the trailers and some nincompoop to film the rest. It’s a sad truth to accept, but it’s now more about the packaging than it’s ever been, and I hate it.